to belong or to participate

You can't belong officially, but you can participate as much as you want.

These words came from my spiritual teacher, and struck me as extremely wise. He was actually talking about the meditation center, explaining to newcomers that there wasn't a formal membership structure. When I heard those words, phrased in that way, I found it profound. I saw it as a metaphor for life.

As a psychology nerd, I have heard a lot about "belonging." From Maslow's hierarchy of needs, to Baumeister's "need to belong" theory, to Brené Brown's research, it's pretty well established that belonging is important, that it's a human need. An important one. That the opposite of belonging, loneliness, is actually dangerous. The absence of belonging is detrimental to our health. We can't function properly without it, much less reach our full potential.

But hearing my teacher say, "You can't belong officially"-- I realized how true and terrifying that realization is. But it was followed by a revelation-- "But you can participate as much as you want." Oh! Something clicked. Now I get it. It makes sense.

We are all seeking some elusive sense of "belonging," of being "good enough" to gain acceptance by a group. But we can never have enough! Belonging is insatiable. What we should strive for instead is participation. To participate, an active verb, something we can DO.

We can't conjure or produce belonging. It's an abstract state, a vague feeling, subjective. "Do I belong?" Well, who can tell? How can you measure that? What determines that?

But you can take an active role: participate. It's liberating. It's a powerful shift, to go from being a passive recipient to a powerful agent. Exercising your own volition. You alone are in charge of your level of participation. Amazing!

Ever since I heard those words, and committed them to memory instantly, I was armed with a new perspective and a new power. I began to determine my own destiny. Instead of seeking "belonging," I aimed to participate. And it works.

I think having clarity about this distinction can help us be in charge of our social lives in several ways. It can inspire us to participate more in some ways, but maybe to tone it down in others. For example, we may realize that our "participation" in social media is actually a misplaced attempt to attain belonging. Since belonging is something we will never attain, we may decide to participate in more productive ways. We may relieve ourselves of our Facebook addiction when we realize it will never give us the belonging we desperately crave.