when self-help becomes self-doubt

I love me some self-help books. In fact, I’m practically a self-help addict. I’m a certified psychology nerd with a drive to reach my full potential, and to help others do the same. However, I’ve noticed a certain pattern that has begun to concern me. I’ve noticed that sometimes my addiction to self-help can actually lead me to feel worse about myself and my life. There is a hidden dark side to self-help that no one ever talks about.

I’ve recently felt myself riding this self-help downward spiral. I feel lost, uninspired, and inadequate, so I look for something outside myself to give me the answer. I seek the solution in self-help content—from books to blogs and articles, from podcasts to paid programs and information products. I look for information and instruction; I search for someone who can inspire me and lead me to my path, to my truth. I seek something to fill the throbbing void I feel inside.

The problem is, when you’re in this place of hopeless emptiness, no amount and no form of self-help can help. The right answers are not outside you, but only inside. We must remember this or else we will magnify our misery. We forget this at our own peril. We must remember that only WE have the answers we need. We must meditate, journal, and meet with ourselves in order to emerge from the darkness. Only we can kindle our own flames.

A self-help book cannot. A podcast cannot. A TED talk cannot.

The wise Uncle Iroh in Avatar: The Last Airbender told his nephew, Zuko: “In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength.”

I strongly agree and endorse his discernment. We must be the renewable resource of hope that we seek, that we desperately need.

For me, I’m enacting a self-help ban. It may sound radical or extreme, but I must forbid myself from perpetuating the downward spiral. I am entrusting myself to form my own answers, to listen to my inner wisdom and intuition. I am ready to go inward and meet myself where I am, insecurity and all. I am allowing myself to be free from the pressure to know the answers. I am granting myself the space and the permission to be lost. I am giving myself the patience and acceptance that my Soul needs in order to blossom.

I invite you to examine the role that self-help plays in your life. Do you notice yourself depending on others, on outside sources, for the answers to your problems, the solutions to your predicaments? Do you seek external advice, instruction, and validation? I am not opposed to personal growth or wanting to improve, but I think sometimes self-help can turn into a trap, a never-ending race where the finish line keeps moving, a vicious cycle that keeps us stuck, perpetually feeling like we’re not enough. We are all works in progress and we will never be finished, but the beauty is in becoming, it’s in discovering, unfolding, emerging. Not in striving, achieving, or accomplishing. The true magic is in accepting, not perfecting. In allowing, not attempting.

So please, give yourself permission to let go of the addiction to self-help. Allow yourself to abandon perfectionism and embrace becoming. Give up your plans in order to discover your path. Let us each lead the way—our own way.